Bono, Banarama and Band Aid are a holiday tradition.
‘Twas two days before Christmas and all through the land
Everyone heard music from the Aid of Band.
Every station had the chorus of “Feed the World,”
A relic from a time when Boy George looked like a girl.
On Simon, on Bono, on guy from Spandau Ballet,
How did Bob Geldof get so many stars together in a day?
Phil Collins was there, and Bananarama, too,
This sets up my twisted “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” gift to you.
In what has become a proud Audio File Christmas tradition, it’s time for my commentary to Band Aid’s “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” video.
Think of it as a low-rent, snark-filled version of David Letterman’s annual Darlene Love performance of “Christmas (Baby, Please Come Home).”
I have Bono’s shoulder dance and Phil Collins reminding us he really is a drummer reminding me to find my Christmas spirit. The fundraising tune, led by Bob Geldof and Midge Ure, was spawned Live Aid and helped raise money and awareness to fight poverty in Ethiopia.
My story starts on a cold Christmas Eve in 2007, when I wanted to write a final post before heading off to finish last-minute shopping on the first Christmas I was spending away from my family in Baltimore.
To bring myself some Christmas cheer, I decided to write a commentary on the best Christmas video ever, Band Aid’s “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”
Now, this was done in jest. The cause is a worthy one and it brought a lot of awareness oh so many years ago. However, you can’t deny some of the ridiculousness of this video.
For the full effect, I’d watch the video in one screen and read along with another.
What the stars are really thinking during filming the 1984 video for Band Aid’s “Do They Know It’s Christmas?”
Bob Geldof: Let’s do this!
Paul Young: It’s Christmastime, and there’s no need to be afraid of losing my career. This is going to make me HUGE! Huge! Bigger than that George Michael guy, even.
Boy George: I need to get my roots done. And where did I find this hideous jacket? Oh well, I am Boy George and people love me. Better turn on that smile.
Phil Collins: I am a drummer, remember? Before I made sappy pop songs I was a real drummer.
George Michael: I’m not sure what pains me more, my hair or singing this song. I will just close my eyes and imagine a world where I am glowing in the dark, doing the jitterbug.
Simon LeBon has amazing eyebrows in the “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” video.
Simon LeBon: I am so wonderful. I am Simon LeBon, leader of Duran Duran. Women want me and men want to be me. Watch me do my suave dance as I sing and make my eyebrow arch.
Sting: I am so bored. Why am I here? Why is Bob G. torturing me like this? Really, Simon LeBon? REALLY? I was a member of the Police. I broke ground. This guy just thinks he can hold his headphones and the girls will swoon. Ugh.
Guy from Spandau Ballet: I am pretending I am a great Shakespearean actor interpreting this song. I need to FEEL the music. I also seem to be wearing a woman’s blouse.
Sting: I’m still bored. Who is that guy in the woman’s shirt?
Bono: Sting and Simon think they are so great. I am going to do this weird shoulder dance, but it’s really a way for me to get in so I can just sing the song. I just want to help people. Oops. I think I forgot to brush my hair this morning.
Phil Collins: I’m a drummer! Watch me hit the drums!
Paul Weller: I am going to be intense and hold my headphone.
Sting: Still bored. How long is this song, anyway?
Simon LeBon: Look at me! I will make a funny face! I have great hair. You want me.
Boy George: Really, what was I on when I selected this outfit today?
Bono: Who’s that guy between George and Paul? Did he just sneak in here? Oh well, the more, the merrier. We are going to feed the world.
Paul Weller: No one has kicked me out yet. Brilliant. I’ll just pretend I belong here and hold my headphone some more.
Bono: This is great. More people keep showing up. Together we CAN feed the world. I think I might want to help the world even more.
Paul Young: It’s time for my solo. I need to look steamy and into it. This is going to make me a superstar!
Bananarama: Where are we? Let’s stay close to the car. Wait, there are cameras here? We just woke up.
Phil Collins: I’m so tired from DRUMMING. I need to take a rest.
Unidentified babies: Why are we here?
Simon LeBon and Bob Geldof count it down in the “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” video.
Simon LeBon: What is Bobby G. doing? I better help him lead. Let’s count together. 1, 2, 3, 4!
Sting: Really? I really have to sing the same line about 50 times with all of these inferior beings? I am just going to stare at the lyric sheet. Feed the world. Oh, it’s so deep. I bet LeBon can’t even read the words.
Autograph signing guy: Yes, little girl, of course I will sign this for you. Because I’m SUPPOSED to be here, even though nobody knows who I am.
Bananarama: We really should have changed out of our sweats for this.
Guy from Spandau Ballet: I am so happy. I am into it. This is great. I love my shirt.
Midge Ure at the “Do They Know It’s Christmas?” video for Band Aid.
Midge Ure: Ha, ha! You caught me! I’m here for comic relief while we relieve the lack of snow in Africa this Christmastime.
Jody Watley: The beat. I keep trying to find it. This song has to have a beat. I need to dance.
Bono: This is great.
Sting: Bono, he’s a good kid. But man, that haircut. Hahahahahaha. Thank god he’s wearing that silly hat. Hahahahahaha.
Simon LeBon: Look at me!
Bob Geldof: I’m so happy, this is my dream come true!
Guy from Spandau Ballet: I could be a model. Look at my model pose. I will model this shirt.
Sting: So bored.
Paul Young: A star! I’m going to be a star!
Drummer from Culture Club: I can’t believe George brought me here. Oh well, might as well play some maracas. It’s for a good cause.
George Michael: I have the Christmas spirit. I think I might be getting teary-eyed.
Vanessa: Merry Christmas, everyone!